The power of a word

When one opts for a life choice that is different, or off the beaten path, language becomes very important. Words can hurt, but they can also heal.

We haven’t faced many insensitive comments or questions, but they might still come, and they might come at our kids in our absence. People don’t know much about the process of adoption, or about adoptive families. So they often speak out of ignorance, not insensitivity. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

Positive Adoption Language (credited to Marietta Spencer and Patricia Irwin Johnston) is a way to honour both the child’s past (her birth family and her being placed for adoption) and her present (herself and the parents who adopted her).

Here are a few common statements/phrases, and kinder alternatives that are  more empowering.

She has her own son and an adopted daughter. The daughter is adopted. The son is her own child.

There is no such thing as an adopted child. Adoption is the way the child joined the family, a one-time legal process that is not relevant to the present, unless one is specifically talking about adoption-related topics. Saying some one is adopted implies it is a label, a disability, a difference that the child can’t shake off. It sets her apart from her family. It also assumes that birth implies ownership. It’s as hurtful as calling someone a “divorced woman”, “crippled man”, as ridiculous as saying “That is her normal child,this is her Cesarean child and that’s the IVF one”!!! A person is much more than a process (divorce, marriage, adoption, birth) or difference (differently abled, different to look at) or affliction/trauma (cancer, AIDS, abuse)

Better,

• “She has two children, one by birth, one by adoption.”
• “Her daughter joined their family through adoption“
• “They adopted their daughter”
• “Their daughter who was adopted is 14 years old.”

It distinguishes the process/difference from the person and puts the process in the past, where it belongs. That is, if one has to mention it at all. It’s not relevant or necessary to mention processes/differences like adoption 99.99% of the time.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

It is so kind of you to have given him a home. You have done a very noble deed. She is lucky that you saved her/gave her a new life/chose her.

Adoption is not a favour. It’s a way of becoming a parent. Attaching morality judgments (even if positive ones) to the choice, puts a huge burden of gratitude and obligation on the child. For more, read this.

Better, if you want to mention it at all (praise or flattery is unnecessary)…

• “Adoption is a wonderful way of becoming a parent“
• “His parents chose to complete/build/expand their family through adoption“

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Where did you pick him up from? Where did you get her from? Where is he from?

Does one ask about a biological child “Which hospital is he from?” The fact that the child was not born from the mother’s womb doesn’t give anyone a right to ask personal details. That said, often people replace the word ‘adoption’ with any other word, in a misguided effort to be kind. Still, the above language can sound like the child is an object or commodity that had to be got/bought/brought from somewhere.

Better, don’t ask! It’s usually curiosity that drives such a question. (Occasionally it’s the desire to get information for a friend/family member who wants to adopt, in that case “Where did you adopt her from?” sounds better. )

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

Who are his real parents? Does she know where her own parents are? She must look like her natural parents.

The parent who adopted the child is her real, natural and own parent. And the child is her parents’ very own, certainly natural and definitely very real child!

Better,

• Biological or birth parent or child. Even biological seems to imply that the child/parent is artificial. Birth parent/child is better
• First parent/mother. This is not commonly used in India

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

She was given up for adoption. He was abandoned/thrown in a dustbin. His mother gave him away. Why couldn’t they keep the baby?

I don’t need to explain why these are insensitive and hurtful. Imagine being the child to whom these statements refer.

Better,

• His birth mother/parents placed him for adoption
• His biological parents made adoption plans
• The birth parents were unable to parent the baby

—————————————————————————————————————————————

I only use the words ‘adopted/adoptive’ where I am specifically talking about adoption. You will not find it in my everyday spoken language or posts. I am not an adoptive mother. I’m a mom and I have two children!

We can use

1. more words (he joined us thru adoption rather than he is adopted)
2. more carefully chosen words (her birth mother chose adoption rather than her real mother gave her away)

But isn’t it worth it, to talk more respectfully and kindly? Just changing our language can remove so much taboo and stigma. Think about any other topic that is similarly shrouded in secrecy, unawareness and wrong assumptions. He is divorced, that blind man, albino woman, cancer patient, autistic child…there are ways to say these more kindly, separating the person from the ‘characteristic’.

How can I not melt-II

…when a little boy removing his school uniform, earnestly digs his hand into his shirt pocket.

Me: Dhruv, hurry up!

No response from little boy still trying to squash fat hand into tiny pocket.

Me: What are you doing???

Success…he removes his hand to reveal a few small stones. “This is for you Amma”

Me: *speechless*

Dhruv goes back to pocket excavation, and triumphantly gets out more small stones, hands them to me.

Me: Why, baby?

Dhruv: Because I love you.

Me: *melts happily onto floor*

and the icing on the cake…err…stones

Dhruv: And  I brought you some mud also, because I like you.

Sigh Lucky me! So one potted plant has been generously donated the love stones and mud.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Div sitting thoughtfully, not drinking her milk.

Me: Hurry up, Divya!

Div: *still dreaming* Amma, you and Dhruv are so kind.

Me: *glaring at untouched milk glass* Why?

Div: Because you both sat and spent so much time making that beautiful birthday card for me. Thank you Amma! *mercifully, starts sipping milk*

Me: And so that constitutes our entry for Shruti’s February paper crafts artsy-craftsy challenge! We got the idea from a lovely Creating with Collage book from Scholastic. I did the cutting and Dhruv the pasting and bossing around!

Kid updates

Lots of things have been happening that I wanted to blog about, but all the Jan special days got in the way! So here we go…

Chashmish (bespectacled)!!

I’d always had a doubt about Dhruv’s eyesight, he would come close to observe things, sit on the sofa nearest the computer to watch a DVD etc. I didn’t know if it was curiosity, or a vision problem. So in the Xmas hols, we went to the eye hospital, for mine n Div’s annual eye check-ups and Dhruv’s very first one! He knows his letters, but we weren’t sure if he would be co-operative.

Mistake 1: Going on Xmas day, the hospital was only working half-day and some staff were on leave.

Mistake 2: Not carrying any snacks. we’d had an early lunch, but not taken into account that we’d be there 2-3 hours.

So for the initial optometry Dhruv was cooperative, and very interested. Div and me were judged to have the same power (Div none, me -6D). Dhruv read out the first 3 lines, then he started acting silly, we couldn’t figure if he was bored, didn’t remember the letters or if he actually couldn’t see them.

The dilating drops were absolute torture, he howled and tantrummed for 1 hour, refused to close his eyes, we were the last people left with the place closing early. Anyway, with their excellent instruments, they found he does have -0.75D in 1 eye. The doc was hesitating to prescribe glasses at this age with such a minimal power, since in her opinion, at school they wouldn’t be reading small print. I insisted on it because:

1. of “Lazy eye” syndrome. One cause is differing power in the 2 eyes. You can actually lose vision in 1 eye if it’s not corrected.
2. If he can see the details of a faraway object with glasses, why should we deny him that? It’s not only about school n reading. I know how blind I feel without glasses, and even a little blurring might upset a little kid, maybe?
3. I was secretly thrilled at having 1 of my kids resemble me!!! In any way! (I am mean like that!)

So we got the prescription, went insane at 2 opticians, with Dhruv choosing his eyewear. He changed his mind every 2 minutes. Finally put my foot down and he chose a nice cheap, smart pair! Cheap because several moms of lil’ kids with glasses (at the eye hospital) warned me that we might be constantly replacing a broken pair! But I was impressed at the funky and reasonably priced eyewear available for this age range!

Next time I want to take him to a pediatric ophthalmologist (is there such a doc in Bangalore?), for  kid-friendlier tests. Checking up on the Web, I found that they have special reading boards with more easily identifiable letters for small kids, rather than the usual adult one. The staff at this hospital were clueless about keeping him comfortable and not torturing him.

So its been a month. We started by having him wear it for a few minutes each day, then more the next. He’s gone from feeling exclusive (!!!), crowing it over Div (who sulked), then refusing it for 2 weeks, then agreeing to wear it with arguments, tantrums and “everyone will laugh at me” protests. Now he wears it during close work, sometimes when we go out, and occasionally during evening play, and in school too, but still with many arguments. I desperately need tips, here!!!

—————————————————————————————————————————————

I’m gonna be a grandma!

Since a close cousin and a good friend were pregnant, Dhruv has got the concept of babies coming from the stomach! Only… he insists he came from SH’s stomach! For a few days, he would pat SH’s tummy, and ask him if it was food in there, or a baby. Lots of ROFLing went on! Then he seriously announced to me that he had a baby in his stomach. It was just about soooo small. I humoured him and then went and laughed in the bathroom! The cuteness of a little boy with a baby inside him!

—————————————————————————————————————————————

My quiet child

I’m trying to pay attention to Divya. She’s independent, if she has nothing to do, she curls up with a book. She’s not into experiential stuff, her toys and games are gathering dust. I carry her bicycle downstairs, she hardly rides it for 2 rounds and then she’s off to do some pretend play with all the younger kids. We make an effort now to play a board game or carrom with her on the weekends, and she’s always ready to do art by herself, or recently as a mom-n-kids weekend art project, something we started thanks to Shruti. (I’ve been a very lazy mom until a few mths back). She goes to a library/activity centre, where she has various activities AND more books. She’s learning Kathak dance and now I’m starting a drawing class for her finally, now that we’re freer. But I still worry whether to leave her alone, or if she’ll say I spent all my time with Dhruv. Is it okay for a child to read this much? Are books a form of escapism?!

She gets annoyed when we take Dhruv to the park or activity centre during her dance class. She does get to go to these places, but less often than Dhruv. She’s busy keeping count! Yesterday we had another tantrum from her about it. We explained that she’s learning something very valuable from her dance, and that Dhruv is too young for any formal hobby classes, so the park or activity centre is all he can do.And that she got to go to the park plenty when she was 4!

I think she doesn’t detest dance, it’s pure laziness that crops up sometimes. She finally agreed when I told her that all her friends would still be learning dance and she wouldn’t, and pointed at my keyboard that’s sitting unused because I can’t remember most of the songs, and I can’t go for classes. This was SH’s point, that it’s better to learn something in early childhood, because it gets harder to find time and energy for it later. She hated her swim camp 2 years ago, and has never ventured into the water since then. She doesn’t want to try horseriding, or karate, or anything physical. Doesn’t want to learn music of any kind. Do we let her be, or assume we know what’s good for her? I do know that she’s been craving a drawing class for the last 2 years since we stopped her old one because it was too far. Maybe she’ll cool down once she starts enjoying the drawing.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing as a mom. More tips needed here, please!

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

We finally have a balcony garden, just a few pots. We’ve tried before, but with the whole responsibility on overstressed-out me, I would forget to water, and killed many plants (I am truly an awful person in some ways). I wouldn’t allow the kids out because we had a severe pigeon infestation and the balcony would be filthy more often than not. Plus it was open with dangerous railings, and with a kid like Dhruv, it wasn’t worth the tension. We got it enclosed a few months back, and I’ve been getting the kids into the watering habit. 3 out of 4 plants survived! So we celebrated by getting some more. I’ve also been devious here. Set up a milk-drinking competition, whoever finished first gets to water the prettier plants! It’s working!!! (Div is the world’s champion slow milk drinker…her record is 1 hour).

1! Blog birthday party!

Yes, yes, come one, come all, here’s your hat, and your eye-mask. We’re celebrating this blog’s first birthday. Yes, Starry has been around for a year, writing and writing her very long posts.

So, of course, since this is a birthday party, you have to get me a gift. Of course! What did you think? And I get to demand it from you…leave me the URL of a blog or a particular blog post that you think I should read (yours will do too ), knowing me as well as you do! Anything to do with what I write about, worry about, am obsessed about or interested in. Confused…check my tags and categories!

And please compliment me…tell me which is your favourite post/category/tag, which I should write more about!

And tell me what you like about this blog…did it help you, entertain you, provoke you, get you thinking, get you mad and pissed off at my nerve, make you wonder at my self-absorption?

And of course, every guest at a birthday party gets a party favour…here’s yours, as a thanks for reading me…an entirely narcissistic Blog-rhyme tag that you can pick up for your blog, if you want. Rules are simple:

1. Include your blogname somewhere in the verse

2. The verse should have at least 4 lines and should be about blogging

Here’s mine!

She started blogging to communicate

Out poured her thoughts n feelings from the floodgates

Then she realised she was getting wise

This blogger you know as starsinmeyes

She found new books to read

New friends at an astonishing speed

Parenting and life skills that she sorely needed

Information and viewpoints that she thankfully heeded

Blogging’s been a lifeline, a timepass and a hobby

Wishing a Happy first Birthday to my blog Baby!

Clipart courtesy : Ace Clipart

How are we protecting our children?

I’ve been very shaken by this article. Child sexual abuse (CSA) is so rampant in India, and the culprits blatantly get away with it. It’s such a taboo topic, I know plenty of my friends and family members have never even talked about it to their children. I have some friends and family who’re psychologists, therapists n counselors, and shuddered at their stories of women and children who’ve suffered abuse and incest.

By not  not having a dialogue about “good-touch-bad-touch“, we protect the bad guy, we don’t protect our child. We’re actually ensuring that their ‘innocence’ leaves them unprotected against the predators, who’re out there, and often, in here too. And all the while, they’re exposed to a range of ’strangers’ who we think will not touch our children. How do we know that? How safe are they with all the ‘uncles’?And ‘aunties’?

SH has gotten furious over a couple of our friends and relatives getting too physical, tickling our daughter and son, wanting to ‘take them out’ for a drive or a walk, how do we know what their intentions are? Just because men (or women) have kids of their own, doesn’t mean they’re not abusers. I still remember when my daughter was 2, and a family friend who she was getting along very well with, requested me if he could take her for a drive. He asked me this in front of my parents. My skin was crawling and I still feel nauseous recalling it. I refused, trying to be polite, but getting very firm when he repeated the request. The nerve of the guy. He has two sons.

We’ve talked with both our kids, and occasionally casually question them, trying not to put words in their mouth, because kids can be quite silly or find it funny. My son does, but I think he’s understanding the idea of ‘privacy’ and who can and cannot touch him where and for what reason. I feel thrilled everytime he scolds me for washing him or towelling him dry there, because it’s an opportunity to reinforce the lesson.

A friend’s daughter was molested by an uncle, while her parents and brothers were in the next room. The young 10 year old could not even scream, she was so shocked and terrified, even though her parents had talked to her about it many times. I appreciate that this friend is very open about this ‘incident’ and how it traumatised the girl. The man was confronted and the whole family was dragged into a lot of bitter fighting, resulting in the victim’s family moving countries. The child’s brothers were also traumatised, feeling that they had failed to protect their sister. The mother has told many friends about the recovery and healing that they helped the girl through. Not many people would be so open, supportive and solidly behind their child.

Until recently, I only warned my kids about people touching them. But after reading this post by Unmana, I realised the other way around can happen too.

How willing are we to listen to our kids? Do we hear them, are we close enough to understand what they’re actually saying? Sometimes they don’t say it clearly or use the language we understand. Then, it’s up to us to interpret their worries or fears.

Do they trust us enough, do they feel confident that we’ll pay attention and believe them? Do they worry that we’ll make it all their fault? Sexual abusers can be very cunning, getting their victims to believe they provoked or attracted them, or that no one will believe them, or that telling a parent or teacher will put their lives in danger, or that “it’s all just pretend-play”. How are we equipping our children to stay safe?

Several parents I know have a tendency to hush their children, and a couple even say the child makes up stories. How will such children be heard? Some parents hear their children but are not proactive in doing anything about it. The whole thing is not taken seriously. Does a parent’s living in denial help a child?

Some suggestions, I’d love your feedback if you think these are appropriate:

1. Show the child exactly where s/he cannot be touched by other people. ‘The areas covered by a bathing suit’ are usually the best way to identify these areas.

2. Explain your ideas of exceptions to the rule. e.g. that a parent/nanny/school ayah can touch them while washing or bathing them, but only briefly. (Wasn’t there an incident where a preshool ayah molested a little boy? Can’t find the link.) And as an aside, teach your kids to wash/clean themselves by age 5 or 6, on the pot, and during a bath.

3. Explain that a doctor may have to examine them there, but always in the presence of the parent.

4. Enact and role-play, showing the child what to do or say in a situation. A child should be able to react automatically.

5. Teach the child to get away, shout, scream, and to tell an adult. If the adult does not believe her, tell her to tell a different adult till she’s believed and helped.Teach her that she’s more important than anybody else.

6. Boys are in as much danger as girls. Don’t fool yourself.

7. A self-confident and bold child may be at less risk. This is my theory. A child who can yell at her parents can yell at another adult too. (This is the only reason I tolerate Div’s constant arguing and shouting at us!!) We don’t need to teach our kids to be nice, no matter what. I liked this anecdote from Mad Momma. Children who question, challenge and think, and don’t accept explanations easily aren’t considered ’safe’ by a predator (I think).

8. Show the child the parts on an adult’s body that s/he mustn’t touch, even if asked to. For little ones, be very firm when they playfully try to touch you there, teaching them about ‘privacy’ and ‘ownership’.

9. Explain to your child that even older children are not allowed to touch their private parts.

10. Watch out for signs of sexual abuse such as sudden changes in temperament, mood swings, bruising or swelling of genitals, nightmares, loss of bladder or bowel control,  nervousness or fear of a person, loss of interest in school or social activities.

11. Never, ever laugh at or scold the child over anything to do with their bodies and feelings.

12. Model for the child. Don’t accept ‘eve-teasing‘ yourself. I learned a lot from my mother and her yelling at would-be-gropers on buses and in crowds.

I guess it’s also important not to scare the child and not to instill a fear of strangers. A dialog of this kind has to handled very carefully, I feel, to avoid introducing inappropriate details and the ‘dark side’ of things into the child’s relatively innocent sunshiny world. Caution, not terror, should be the result. Children are pretty instinctive, if we let them be, our job is to keep the channels of communication open, support the child, and be watchful but not paranoid.

It’s also important not to project our fears onto our children. Having experienced abuse in childhood or later, a parent might find it difficult to not pass on strong feelings while talking with the child. Maybe it would be better to get counseling/therapy so as to separate one’s recovery and healing from their parenting and protection of their child. I’m not an expert here, of course. But my eyebrows have gone up when a former friend was advising her 9 year old daughter not to use the toilets at school, as they are located in an ‘isolated’ part of the building! Somehow I found that ‘off’. Isn’t that going too far? Here’s a post by Kiran about the kind of balance we strike between protectiveness and letting go.

There are NGOs which work with schools, one of them in Bangalore is Enfold Proactive Health Trust, a team of women who enact simple skits in schools,colleges and in the community and conduct awareness programs about sexual abuse. Fantastic people, they’re really making a difference.

Does all this actually work? Can we actually protect our kids completely, or is it out of anyone’s control? Is it a better idea to just hover over our kids, and not leave them at anyone’s ‘mercy’ ever? I don’t think that’s possible. Any tips you want to add, please do. Or share your experiences and opinions and leave any links that you feel will be useful.

Encore…blood n gore :(

Yes, folks it’s that time of year again. Maybe my little boy has some ritual blood-shedding to do at this period that has some significance behind it. Meanwhile, if anyone asks me why I’m losing hair, and why my remaining hair is graying very fast…you don’t have to look very far

So as usual on Wed evening, I dropped Dhruv at the activity centre, Div at her dance class and headed to the gym after a very very long time, and was trotting happily on the treadmill when the gym manager comes up, hands me his cellphone saying “It’s a very urgent call from your husband”. Sighing, I took the phone, with an eye-rolling attitude…what could be soooo urgent?

“Ok, relax, when you hear this, don’t panic.” I mean do such words actually bode well for what comes next?

“What??” I snapped, still trotting.

“Ummm, the activity centre called, they said Dhruv fell and hurt his head, and they’ve rushed him to R Hospital, you know where it is, right?” I just screamed, jammed the stop button and threw the phone at the manager.

I ran, got my gym bag from the locker (along with my phone), and then ran down the street to the dance class, calling another parent to take Div home with her, reached my car trembling and ready to breakdown, because ‘head injury’ doesn’t evoke very pleasant images.

On the way the activity centre lady called, and finally I found out it was a cut that was bleeding badly and needed stitches, I assured the doc I would be there, drove like a maniac (not a good idea), almost murdering a cabdriver on the way, illegaly parked and dashed in to find a woebegone Dhruv sitting with the 2 women. His clothes were spattered with (a lot of) blood. The doc asked me if we wanted a cosmetic surgeon to stitch it, or just ‘plain’ stitches. I said plain was fine, recalling various lil’ kids battle scars.

So then I waited and waited since the ER was full. He wasn’t bleeding anymore, and was quite cheerful. I told the activity centre staff I could handle it, and they went off reluctantly, still looking freaked out. Meanwhile, I didn’t have my handbag with me, since I usually carry just a wallet n phone n car keys in my gym bag. Bad idea, I had to hang onto these things while handling a hurt child. My wallet also had exactly Rs. 60 in it, and one credit card (thankfully this worked). I was feeling like a real careless mom for not having my phone with me. I mean check out Murphy’s law, I’m not reachable by phone for once, and this happens.

There were 3 other kids there with cuts in the same place, one was a 10 mth baby who was throwing up, it was scary, I hope he’s ok, Dhruv was quite normal and chattering, a bit irritable. SH arrived, and finally Dhruv was called in, 3 orderlies had to hold him down, it took a really long time to put in 5 stitches, and he screamed his head off, while we waited outside, there was no place with all those staff around him. I poked my head in several times, and snapped at them, because a mom can’t really stand and hear those bloodcurling cries for too long. At last they called me, he was sitting there with swollen eyes and an accusing look. They showed me the cut and the stitches, it was quite gross.

So we’re back home. SH went n got Div who scolded Dhruv thoroughly when she saw his head. Maybe no school tomorrow.

———————————————————————————————————————————————

And today’s the 4th anniversay of Dhruv’s homecoming, and here’s the post I was actually going to publish….

Both my babies came to me in January. Both were dreams come true. I call both of them my late birthday gifts!

Four years ago, I met my son. I’d been dreaming about it since I don’t know when…maybe since my late teens…I just wanted that experience of meeting a baby that I would adopt. Meeting Dhruv was the perfect realisation of that dream. I still remember how nervous I was, how I was imagining what he might look like and how overwhelmed I was when I finally held him in my arms, and that feeling that now my family was complete. It felt just right. And now it feels like it was so long ago.

I believe that Dhruv n I chose to be mother and son in this way, it was destined, it was Fate, but it also was a decision and a choice. Not a choice of ‘which baby’. But a choice to follow my dreams.

He has changed me and changed my life in so many ways…I’m so glad he’s with me.

Gatecrashers, dress-up, broken shards n other bday party fun

Hoo boy! I am done with parties for another 9 months! Guess what…social stuff gets more complicated as they grow up…especially true of girls!

I’d had a dress-up party in mind for Div since I saw the idea in Good Housekeeping. Since we have a pretty cozy lil’ apartment, I prefer to keep parties limited in numbers. So we sat down and finalised a list of 10 girls aged 7-8 for the party. I wanted to keep it at the same age for once, so that no child felt left out or bossed over the others, especially since I’d planned some interactive games. We left out kids who’ve misbehaved in our and others’ parties (and are mean to Div in school).we didn’t invite the neighbours, simply because none of them were 7-8 year old girls! We love to have a different set of guests, different themes and different locations for each party!

I called up 10 moms and gave them the party details including the mysterious request to send their daughters without earrings! I also requested each to not tell their daughters before the weekend, so that kids who’d not been invited wouldn’t feel bad.

On Friday evening I got a call from a little girl J, “Excuse me auntie, what time is Divya’s party on Sunday?” We were outside and I was taken aback, because I didn’t remember inviting this child. I told her I was driving and that I would call her back. Back home, I checked the list, J’s name wasn’t there. SH and I wondered what to do! I was of the opinion that we should ignore J because:

1. She wasn’t asking or mentioning about being invited. Just demanding to know the time!
2. It wasn’t J’s parent calling, I wasn’t even sure if they knew J uses the phone to call God knows who, or if they’d set her up to call after learning that she wanted to go for this party! (My daughter doesn’t use the phone, and doesn’t even ask to, except for the occasional clarification about projects n holidays etc, she keeps her calls crisp and impatient too!)
3. I didn’t know if inviting J would mean another couple of girls would also join in a free-for-all!
4. Divya told me this girl has 2 sisters who accompany her often for birthday parties!
5. There were lots of Divya’s friends who weren’t invited and they weren’t demanding to come to the party, so I didn’t want to reward this child for ‘manipulating’ us!
6. I didn’t have more return gifts, I had only planned for 10.

SH thought it would mean breaking a child’s heart, and that 1 more wouldn’t make any difference. My arguments were pts 3 n 4! We asked Div casually, she said she wasn’t particular about inviting her or not, she wasn’t a special friend. meanwhile I was wondering how the heck J had got my phone number!

So we finally ignored J, only to have her call again 3 hours before the party with the same question! I again said I would call back! Same discussion between SH and me, he called the number back. He spoke to J’s father with a puzzled, ‘J has been phoning us asking about Div’s birthday, but that was already over on Monday, so we were wondering why J was calling? What do you think she wants?” So J’s father didn’t have much to say and hurriedly ended the call! A minute later, another girl called to cancel, it was so immediate after the call to J’s father, that we were startled! SH immediately said, “ok, now we can call J” and called her father and insisted that J come! J’s dad was non-committal! The girl never turned up, but all those who did mentioned that J had been calling all of them!!! Talk about desperation!

Tell me what you would do, if you were the party child’s parent or the gate-crasher’s parent. My daughter has been left out of parties, and has felt bad about it, but we’d talked about respecting other people’s choices about their parties and she’d recovered from the disappointment. But I know I wouldn’t stoop to teaching her gate-crashing tactics!

To make me feel even worse, 2 little kids from the building dropped in with a neighbour who’d come to invite us for a religious ceremony, their faces when they walked into the party made me feel like a wretch!

Anyway the party was simply lovely fun. Since only 6 girls turned up, we had even more fun interacting. The games were all silly ones from a book Div has, I wanted the kids to give silly answers and act silly, coz they probably get shushed and corrected 24/7 ! The theme of 4 of the games was to be silly without laughing, pretty challenging!

They took a while to loosen up, after that it was hilarity all the way. There were no winners except for the “Walking between the bottles game“. This is a mega-fun game guaranteed to generate laughter and competition. You arrange empty plastic water bottles (preferably the 200ml or 500ml ones) in a line with spaces in between. Each child is blindfolded and has to inch her way zigzagging between the bottles, without toppling them. It was most surprising that the girl who scored a perfect walk 3 times without dropping a single bottle or missing a single space, was one who her friends and teachers assume to be a average child in every field; I made sure to tell her mother later, of her ‘talent’, she has good co-ordination and motor control I think.

The most popular game was the dress-up game.

We’d arranged boxes, each containing dress-up items such as necklaces, earrings, hairbands, bracelets, belts, dupattas (long scarves), bags n purses, and a boz containing assorted props such as umbrellas, pots, tiaras, wand, baby bottle, aprons, caps etc. We paired the girls, and let them pick out the props pair by pair after giving them time to discuss what they wanted. Then they were sent off to dress up, and prepare a little drama, catwalk or dance. There was a lot of giggling, screaming, arguing, yelling at Peeping Tom (Dhruv), requests for help, and then they were ready.

Each pair put up a cute little 2-3 minute drama with dialogues and actions. I was pleasantly surprised that they could create stories like they did, co-operate and innovate. One belt was a snake, the dupattas were fashioned into all sorts of clothing, one pot was upturned to be a hat and so on. We clapped for all. The girls got to keep the jewellery they’d picked for their return gifts. They wanted to play another round, but there was no time.

It was also nice to see that all the girls were quite self-confident, none was bossy or ill-mannered, and they all participated whole-heartedly! I’d been waiting for years to be able to put together a party like this with interesting games, and not the usual boring Musical Chairs and Passing the Parcel (yawn).

We discovered later that one gift was a mug broken into shards and powder. I’d heard it rattling when the child handed it over to Div. We felt really bad for Div, but she appeared not to mind. What a little sweetheart she is.

She was cross-questioned by a couple of girls as to why they’d not been invited. She told us that she handled it quite coolly with a non-commital answer, but they threatened her that they wouldn’t invite her back ever. She didn’t seem upset while she was telling us, maybe she’s learnt to look at the positive side of things! I was a bit flummoxed, but SH promptly told Div, to ask any girl challenging her if she had ever invited Div for a party. That was smart! And I told her to say, “You’re still my friend even if I didn’t call you for my party, and if you don’t call me for yours.”

Whew, the politics of parties. I need a break! Have you had any dilemmas during your child’s birthday parties? Tell me!

ETA: SH fingerpainted the return gift envelopes…and there we have our submission for Shruti’s Artsy-Craftsy Challenge!

Birds n bees!

The truth talks with Divya had taken a couple of months break because I felt the need to do it with a really nice book.

I found a book in my kids’ library called Let’s Talk About Where Babies Come From by Robie Harris and tried my best to get it, but most bookstores didn’t stock it, and though Landmark had it on their catalog, they made me wait 10 days before telling me they couldn’t get it for me. Grrr!

I checked out Flipkart, and found this interesting series of 3 books about talking of the birds and bees with children of various ages. It’s the same author’s work. So I ordered It’s so Amazing- A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Babies, Birth and Families by Robie Harris for 7-10 year olds, it arrived today and it’s awwwwwwesome!

It’s written in a comic-book style combined with a picture book, with lots of interesting kid-appropriate info all over. The cutest pair hold your hand through the book. One is a Bird, who’s extremely interested in anything about babies and unmentionable topics. His excitement and interest would encourage a kid who’s feeling that all this is mighty interesting to know. A Bee (what else?!) is a perfect counterfoil, disgusted with all the intimate knowledge, insisting that he doesn’t want to know and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’d imagine that a kid who’s feeling the whole thing is gross and embarrassing will feel a kinship with Bee!

The book is hilarious. Every single potentially embarrassing word is played upon and cartooned. Puns and jokes abound, probably lightening up the topics a lot! I laughed my head off at some parts. The illustrations are very clear, kid-friendly and matter-of-fact. I already went through the first 2 chapters with Div, I actually started out thinking we could do one page at a time, but we found it so enthralling that we finished 6 pages! I could see Divya very curious, she says she has thought about a lot of these things, but never talked with her friends (phew!), maybe coz it’s embarrassing! She LOLed at all the jokes n puns.

The book, at the very beginning gives the child full permission to be curious, embarrassed, interested or disgusted and also to keep wanting to know more and more details even after they’ve already talked or read about it. I really liked that.

Topics dealt with include male and female anatomy in adults and children, the meaning and process of puberty, simple information about sperm and egg formation, menstruation, pregnancy and birth, a very simple explanation of intercourse, details of the processes involved in fertilisation and gestation, a little info on breastfeeding and bottlefeeding, how to have fun with a baby, validating older siblings’ not-so-happy feelings about their new baby siblings, a little bit about words like ‘gay’, heterosexual’, ‘homosexual’ and ‘lesbian’, the definitions and differences between love and sex, simple explanations of birth control, abortion and menopause. The last chapter is about ‘okay touches’ and ‘not okay touches’, what to do about bad touch, how to get help and the meaning of ’sexual abuse’. There are also chapters on adoption, twins and more, genes and chromosomes, and birthdays and adoption days.

A wholesome book, brimming with useful info, that’s presented perfectly. The cover itself is so attractive, and so is every diagram and illustration, every kid will want to read it. So, what are you waiting for? Order now!

For the other age-groups,

• It’s not the Stork is for ages 4-7
• It’s Perfectly Normal is for age 10 and above.

These books come highly recommended by Berry Brazelton, Penelope Leach, Alvin Pouissant and also Time magazine and NYT.

Images courtesy : Robie Harris website.

Exciting ecological elephant experience!

Oh man! I just experienced my first taste of eco-tourism and am I hooked or what?!

I was wondering whether to go to the beaches in Goa, Kerala or Pondy, or hillstations. The first would be too messy given Dhruv’s exuberance and the second would be too cold for Divya (I did NOT want to carry the nebuliser again!). Then we realised there was a third option…forests! (okay, fourth, third being bustling metros…SH wanted to go to Mumbai). Desperately checked out Jungle Lodges, all the bookings were full up, we only got into Dubare Elephant Camp. Not bad, I thought, a forest, a river, and lots of pachyderms to chill with.

So we set off. The KSRTC Volvo was awesomely comfortable and just on time, and the kids enjoyed the ride, we picked up a couple of Chennapatna toys (and later discovered one was ‘Made in China’, gah!) and had a hilarious ride in an autorickshaw from Kushalnagar to Dubare, with SH first curled up on top of the suitcase at the back with us and Dhruv grumbling away at the lack of space and then SH hanging out the front of the auto once we had passed the traffic cops and were on the country road! Then Div and I had to prevent Dhruv from falling out because he was enjoying the (fresh) wind on his face a little too much.

We arrived at the boat point, and the excitement started from there watching the tourists frolicking in the Cauvery. Jungle Lodges had a boat waiting for us, making us feel nice and exclusive! The boat guy deliberately gave us a rocking ride across to the resort, Dhruv and Div absolutely loved it. I held onto my cap and prayed for dear life. (Yes, I used to love rollercoasters in my past life, now I’m a freaked out mom).

The magnificent river

We were absolutely bowled over as we entered the place. Peaceful, green, full of climbing nets and ladders everywhere, tyre swings and even a tree house. Hammocks by the riverside (see header) where we snoozed the afternoons away. The peace and quiet are indescribable. The cottages are damn cute, designed very well, all modern amenities, very courteous helpful staff.

First look

We spent an hour exclaiming, then hit the nets! I am ashamed to say I was very unadventurous, I don’t know when I became such a scaredy-cat, but had a merry time clicking pix of the family climbing about.

Spiderweb!

We spent the first evening tumbling about and holding on for dear life in the back of a jeep. Dhruv was for the most part more interested in the jeep following us, and with the noise the 2 kids made, I’m surprised we saw any animals at all! But we did, a gorgeous peacock far ahead on the trail, an enormous peahen perched on a tree, then swooping down to her dinner, two startled deer that stared at us curiously, then bolted into the underbush, langur monkeys swaying a huge bamboo and jumping about merrily (Dhruv was interested in this, of course!), at least 4 elephants (that are actually partly tame), a stork with a beady eye looking into the waters of a pond, a kingfisher perched prettily on a branch sticking out of the water. Just being in the forest was so energising, so relaxing, I felt recharged, and having just watched the movie Avatar, imagined I could feel the electrifying energy buzzing between the trees, the interconnection in Nature that we all like to pretend doesn’t exist.

Gol Ghar

A Nature walk early the next morning was fascinating, the naturalist explained lots of things to the kids, including the matthi or crocodile bark tree and how the tribals tap it for water, bamboo rice, anthills and their oganisation, elephant corridors and lady boss elephants, sandalwood trees, tiger trails, tiger census and partial root parasites. What I loved most about the forest were the bamboos everywhere, most were flowering prettily yellow. We were really hungry when we got back, and a huge breakfast buffet awaited us! The food in this place was really awesome, served as buffets in a Gol Ghar overlooking the riverbank, with trees growing through it.

Bridge to Elephant Camp

Next was the highlight of the whole trip, the Elephant Interaction! We set off to the adjoining Elephant Camp. This is open to the ‘public’ too, but if you want to enjoy it thoroughly along with all the experiences, and get priority in the camp, stay inside in Jungle Lodges!

We came down to the river, passing about 7 elephants in the way, ambling about peacefully, one was busy in the discarded tender cocnut heap checking out each, Dhruv was fascinated with its trunk. We saw an elephant already in the water and the excitement began.

Elephant 'bathtub'!!

The elephant (Gopi) quietly lay down in the water, I was absolutely amazed that this ginormous guy was so patient with all us frolicking humans. A huge crowd got busy scrubbing, splashing and cleaning up his back. Dhruv of course got completely wet, while the rest of us were shivering with our pant legs soaked. He kept trying to get near Gopi’s trunk n face, not a very safe idea, but the mahout was very vigilant and scolded him thoroughly. The trunk was like a living animal, coiling and snaking lazily in the water, occasionally splashing us all with water, maybe his way of telling us who was the actual powerful guy there! It was strange touching the rough thick skin, wondering if Gopi could feel us, the coarse hair that stuck up from his hide, and enthralling to be this close to such a fascinating animal.

Elephant bathed and getting up (background)

Every 10 minutes another pachyderm came into the water, turned around and lay down. It took about 20 minutes for each elephant to be cleaned up, I loved watching the way they got up, heaving their huge bulk up and meandering off back for their feeding.

Into the elephant's mouth!

By this time unfortunately, Dhruv was feeling sick, complaining and writhing with stomach pain, so we only half-enjoyed the next parts. We watched the kitchens preparing ragi-jaggery balls which were fed by the mahouts to each elephant. Some baby n teenage ones also joined the meal, it was tough to keep track of Dhruv who kept wandering off to get closer to the elephants, and was actually found standing right next to the biggest one at one point (my heart did some interesting flip-flops here!). By this time, Dhruv was really feeling awful, but we hung around anyway trying to call our homeopath. The mahouts chose to be difficult at this point. Apparently, upto a few months ago, Jungle Lodges ran the whole elephant camp. Now the Forestry Dept has taken over, so it’s got a little bit shabbier, and the mahouts are paid less, so they go on periodic strikes and deliberately delay the crowds waiting for the elephant rides.

So we hung around for a tortuous one hour with Dhruv throwing tantrums and clutching his tummy. He went to the (disgustingly) awful loo, but didn’t feel any better. By the time the stand-off was resolved, we were exhausted. Luckily, since we were ‘insiders’ we got priority so we got on the first rides, much to the displeasure of others who’d been waiting just as long. It was awesome though! To be perched way up there, feeling the powerful back muscles and spine going up and down beneath the gunny bags and the tail lazily shooing away flies was special. We thankfully got back to the resort, where Dhruv went off to sleep. Divya had made friends with some boys, and she went off to play on the nets and hammocks and ladders, it was so freeing, to be able to just send the kids out to play like this. Any other place, we’re terrified of strangers, lifts, staircases and losing the kids. But here, you can look right out the windows and watch your kids bouncing happily in the ’spiderweb’ and be quite assured they’re safe and HAPPY!Of course, we got the maximum benefit from this place, with BOTH our kids enjoying everything. I wouldn’t have gone here with younger kids, because they wouldn’t understand or benefit from all the varied activities.

After a scrumptious lunch that we took in turns, since someone had to stay back with a sick n tired Dhruv, who’d thrown up and was fast asleep, we had a nice nap, SH in the hammock outside…he said it was the most restful nap of his life!  Divya and I joined him later, and Dhruv also came out and continued snoozing in the hammock. This is what I loved the most. It’s a hectic schedule, but someone else takes care of it. There’s ample time and amenities to relax, eat and clean up! They’re very punctual, all the same, knocking at your doors to give you a wake-up call in the mornings and afternoons.

The coracle ride was the next highlight. A little round boat, it looked too tiny, yet 6 adults and 4 kids got into it one by one. I was the last, gulping coz it was sinking further into the water with each person, carefully sitting to balance the weight. We snapped at the kids everytime they moved, coz it was pretty unstable! It was a thrilling ride, with all of us holding our breaths, knowing how deep the river waters were. The children were hopefully looking out for the crocdiles that infest these waters. I was surprised at the full river, in the middle of winter. Of course, it was raining every evening. After we got back, the boatman coolly told us that we’d passed a crocodile relaxing on a rock, but he hadn’t told us, in case we panicked! He pointed to where we’d passed, but we couldn’t see it.

Dhruv had thrown up again before the ride, so I gave up. I took him back to the room while the others (we’d made friends with 2 other lovely families by this time) went to meet some tribals. It was fascinating, apparently. I asked the resort manager to get us some anti-vomiting medicine. As usual I’d carried medicines, both homeo and allo for everything else. A kind couple with a toddler gave their colic medicine, and it did help, until we got the anti-emetic at night, they’d had to send across the river for it from Kushalnagar (about 16 km from Dubare).

The rain held off a bit on the second evenimg, so we got to enjoy a crackling campfire, warming our hands and feet at it, and jumping everytime a ‘log exploded’!

The next morning we set off for another walk through the forests, this time with a tribal accompanying us. We especially enjoyed the spiderwebs glistening in the morning dew and sunlight, some were stretched across the path! We found deer footprints, but didn’t see any animals, we got back in time for another big breakfast. Dhruv was much better now. The kids played to their hearts’ content with their new friends, and we packed lazily. We went back to the elephant camp to buy some souvenirs.we checked out and had another rollicking boatride back to civilisation, felt terribly sad to get back to the roads and people and buildings. Sigh!

The bus ride back was a nightmare. We had to wait 2 hours at the very dirty Kushalnagar busstand, hungry and dusty. On the Volvo bus, not only were there 2 women who stared at us for 6 hours straight (I’m not joking), but the guy in front of me hung his hand over the top of his seat, in front of my face. We’d also foolishly not had lunch since the Kushalnagar eateries didn’t look very hygeinic, assuming the bus would stop somewhere. It didn’t. We were starving, and SH jumped off at a bakery at 4pm and got us some sad food that we hogged. Meanwhile as soon as we got on the bus , Divya started throwing up. She threw up 6 times, until I was panicking coz we didn’t have plastic bags left. I had to turn around awkwardly in my seat to hold the bag for her, and it finally worked me up so much that I loudly ticked off the creep in front of me, who immediately removed his disgusting paw from my space. Ugh! We reached Bangalore on time (of course,  duuuuuuh we never stopped for any food), but got caught in a massive 90 minute New Year’s eve traffic jam. Needless to say, we passed out by the time we reached home. Div continued throwing up, so I took her to the doc for an injection. Apparently they’d both suffered from gastritis. Beats me how, coz their meals were on time (until the busride of course), must’ve been the extra activity they did! Anyway I’m glad it wasn’t infections or output from their other ends!

All in all, it was a fab holiday. Short enough, which we prefer, with 2 energetic kids. Packed enough with novel, learning activities. Quite safe and easy, no treks and rough waters for us out of shape city people. Not very tough on the wallet, and well worth the money. Not much traveling. And wonderful memories. So it looks like our next few vacations will be with Jungle Lodges at all their other exciting places!

Akka’s birthday!

I think Divya is officially out of small-childhood! She can be called a big girl now! I have an eight-year old…and I’m very proud of her.

Ours has been a difficult relationship, I was learning parenting for the first time with her, and I’ve messed up a lot. We’re so very alike in many ways (close birthdays and similar personality traits). Until she became an elder sister, I often had to stop myself over-identifying with her (especially as an only child). When I was in labour with her, the nurse picked up my chart and noted that my birthday had just gone by, and officially declared Divya my late birthday gift! I still remember how she wailed piteously with her eyes tightly shut, refusing to stop or to open her eyes with what we hoped were our soothing voices, just after she was born. Whatta girl!

I used to call her ‘complain.com’, because she was constantly dissatisfied. Maybe she picks some of this up from me? She’s still like that and has to be deliberately directed to look at the positive side of things, to make lists of the things she got and the things she has, instead of focusing on the one thing we refuse her, or are unable to make time to give her!

She’s come a long way and surprises me constantly these days with her maturity and self-confidence. The former wallflower who used to hang back, get tongue-tied on stage, avoid new social situations and basically be a shrinking violet has suddenly started blooming, and it’s all through her own effort (with several logical explanations from me, of course!). She just needed a little time.

At a recent bloggers’ meet, she got a lot of praise for her ‘mother-hen’ attribute. She is definitely very loving and caring to little kids, probably the side-effect of her interactions with her brother.

Gone are the days when she used to get bullied, teased and left out. Our little miss now walks a tough walk, and organises all the kids in the building for games and pretend play. All are younger, but a couple are taller to her, but still in awe of her! It looks pretty fair, I don’t think she’s bossy (but of course I have a prejudiced eye!). She makes friends very easily now and is able to hold her own. This is the same child who used to wear an invisible board “Bully me”. I’m simply blown away with admiration.

She’s quite fearless with us too, thank goodness, pointing out exactly when we don’t treat her well. I hope she never gets cowed by us, because that means she will be able to stand up to the outside world too.

In case she sounds just like a little angel (the actual meaning of her real name), she’s not! Full of mischief, the world’s champion dawdler, book-worm magnifique and the instigator of half the sibling fights at home, she’s just as aggravating as an 8 year old should be. She questions and challenges, and that’s good, but it takes a lot of time convincing her! The quintessential Capricorn goat, her stubbornness can be maddening. And we’ve slowly learned to tone down our frustration and yelling, and to instead explain the logic of why she has to do whatever, talk about the issue, listen to her, and it usually works.

As girly a girl as I wanted, she’s into hairstyles, jewellery and pretty interesting dress combinations (!) that I try to avoid criticising. She’s also very apt to pick up gender roles and stereotypes very easily, so we’re constantly talking and reinforcing our take on gender neutrality, and hopefully she’s absorbing it.

Kind, loving, gentle, but still tough, independent and pretty stylish, that’s my ‘Divya’. Happy birthday sweetheart!

I decided this year to get her a whole bunch of books. She’s a big fan these days of Pippi, Sophie and Judy Moody! I found the second Pippi book (Pippi goes Aboard) and Doctor Judy Moody, inspired by Chox’s review. And 2 books by Dick King-Smith (Harriet’s Hare and Harry’s Mad), The Bird with the Golden Wings by Sudha Murthy, 2 bilingual Tulika books (Priya’s Day and Help Help), and Chox made the whole thing superspecial by helping get these 4 Looking at Art books from Tulika. Needless to say Div is delighted!

Dhruv and I made a card for her, a collage of a train, she was very thrilled. As usual he couldn’t keep the secret and blurted most of it out yesterday, she pretended not to hear! He also gifted all his Matchbox cars to her (the ultimate symbol of his love!!!) and told me firmly not to scold her on her birthday! Yipes!

Celebrated in advance at the new Mediterranean outlet at the food court at Oasis Centre, called Mezze. Awesome food, reasonably priced! And there was a birthday party going on for some other kid, and she got several free birthday songs that we shamelessly sang and clapped along to!